Tuesday, 26 June 2012

P R - Yes, the Zoo IS a Zoo

My family and I took my daughter to the Zoo for the first time the other day. We showed her as many animals as we could; elephants, peacocks, gorillas, lions, bears. But there was a far more interesting specimen of animal there, and for some idiotic reason, nobody seemed to consider locking them up.

The place was really busy, and the clientele consisted mostly of mothers with strollers. For the most part, the crowd was generally inoffensive, but when you see several thousand people in a day, it is almost a guarantee that you will witness something both simultaneously depressing and horrible. On several occasions, not just once or twice, I saw parents struggling to push their strollers along - with their fucking ten year olds slumped in the seats, feet dragging across the concrete. The strange thing is, none of these people had an additional brood of failure with them; they had brought the strollers specifically for the purpose of intensely coddling their pre-teen children. At first I gave them the benefit of the doubt and thought, "hey, maybe their kids are retarded." But the distinct lack of corner-lip drool and a perfect awareness of their surroundings betrayed my meaningless proposition of giving them the "benefit of the doubt."

On at least one occasion I also saw a mother and her four hell spawn watching the peacocks run around the zoo grounds, while allowing them to throw sticks at the poor creature and pull on its feathers. It didn't last long though before the mother of the year told them to stop, not because she had the common sense to understand what little assholes her children were being, but because a passer by lectured her himself on the matter. I had envisioned an ideal scenario of the bird leaping out of the grasp of those undisciplined little shits and tearing into the mother herself just to teach her that it isn't polite to let your kids fuck with nature.

There were some other instances of irresponsible behavior, much more subtle, but equally offensive. I saw plenty of babies having sugar, hot dogs, and french fries shoved into their fat little faces by overweight mongoloids who probably thought deep fried potato sticks qualified as a nutritious vegetable. One kid had a sippy cup full of cola firmly in the grasp if his little claw; a fairly common sight in malls and promenades around this filthy city of mine. I literally saw a pow wow of children, about twenty of them, perched on benches in a rest area, all glued to their fucking iPads, watching CG movies about digital cartoon animals rather than the real ones all around them who were clearly not as interesting because they weren't voiced by Tom Hanks or Patton Oswalt. And of course, parents shoving their way in front of children - including my own child in a fucking stroller - so they could get a brief glimpse at sights they had clearly never seen perched in their usual position in front of the television with a bag full of Cheetos nestled snugly in the crook of their arms.

Oh yes, and at least a hundred and fifty goddamn times, some genius comedian would point out to a  random passerby that "Man, the Zoo really is a Zoo today, huh? HAHAH." Christ, what are these people doing at the Zoo? Their talents are being wasted, and I demand that they go on a blue collar comedy tour immediately to help subsidize their current day jobs of putting a gun in their mouth and being too scared to finally just pull the goddamn trigger.

Not that I'm bitter or anything.

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